Tuesday, June 15, 2021

#2,585. The Vineyard (1989)


You know, I do actually enjoy good movies. 

I really do. 

Check out my Yearly Top 10 / Top 20 Lists… they are chock full of awesome films. 

I say this because 1989’s The Vineyard is not a good movie. 

Actually, it’s shit. And yet, for some reason, I had a great time watching it! 

The story (not that it matters) centers on the evil Dr. Elson Po (James Hong), owner of a prestigious island-based winery who, along with dabbling in ancient rituals and black magic, lures twentysomethings to his vineyard and holds them hostage, draining their blood - little by little - and using it to stay perpetually young. 

In fact, a new crop of young adults has just arrived, including Jezebel (Karen Lorre), Lucas (Lars Wanberg), Nancy (Cheryl Madsen), and Jeremy (Michael Wong), all of whom hope to land a part in a new film they believe Dr. Po will be producing. Most will become the doctor’s prisoners, but one has managed to win his heart. 

The performances in The Vineyard are weak, with the exception of James Hong, who is hilariously over-the-top (meaning he’s at least interesting to watch). In addition to the subpar acting, The Vineyard is littered with plot holes and under-explored side stories. There are zombies, half-buried, on the grounds of Dr. Po’s vineyard. Why? Who knows? Also, hints are occasionally dropped that the wine Dr. Po is producing will be used to take over the world, but that’s not really explained either. 

Oh, and did I forget to mention that Dr. Po was born sometime in the early 19th century? 

Mix these elements together and toss in a handful of martial arts-inspired fight scenes and you have an absolute mess of a movie. 

But it was a gloriously fun mess… a so-bad-its-good mess… the kind of mess that will bring a smile to your face. 

So, yeah, I like good movies, but I guess I like shit, too. 

Rating: 5.5 out of 10 

1 comment:

PooBahSpiel said...

I completely agree with your review.