Thursday, April 2, 2015

#1,690. Breeders (1986)

Directed By: Tim Kincaid

Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, Frances Raines

Tag line: "They're Gonna Love You ... 'Til You're Dead!"

Trivia: A remake of this film was released in 1997

Let’s get this out of the way right up front: Breeders, an early straight-to-video cheapie produced in 1986, is not a good movie. In fact, it’s shitty. And with its story of an alien that rapes virgins in New York City, it’s also trash. Shameful, reprehensible trash.

Breeders is not, however, unwatchable trash. Mind you, it’s close…. very, very close. But if I were to compile a list of moves so bad that I’d never want to see them again, Breeders, in all its craptastic glory, would be left off it. Truth be told, I’ll probably watch this film a few more times before finally retiring it to the junk heap.

Someone (or something) is having his way with the purest of New York City’s female population, and it falls to Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley) of Manhattan Hospital and Det. Dale Androtti (Lance Lewman) of the NYPD to find him. Based on the few clues they have (each victim was burned with an acid-like substance, and their wombs were filled with a thick, black paste), the two determine the rapist is not of this world. But it isn’t until they travel deep underground, to an abandoned section of the New York subway system, that they realize the perp is actually an alien from another planet, which has traveled millions of miles to breed with earth females. And if they don’t stop it soon, the alien, along with its hellish brood, is going to take over the world.

Produced by Wizard Video (one of the companies Charles Band owned prior to Full Moon Pictures), Breeders comes up short in several departments, including acting (there’s not a good performance in the bunch), directing (every shot in Breeders is as basic as they come), and story (most of the movie is a series of attacks, strung together in what seems like random order). Not even the so-called “virgins” are convincing; one eventual victim, a professional model, does what any self-respecting virgin would do while on their lunch break: snort some blow, then dance around the studio completely naked!

Faring slightly better is the alien creature (at times, it looks sorta creepy) as well as the special effects, which feature plenty of gore (one scene in particular, where a guy’s body is torn apart from the inside out, is easily the film’s most impressive moment). And if nudity is your thing, Breeders has a lot of it (minor spoiler: star Teresa Farley is the only female cast member who keeps her clothes on). While none of these are enough to ultimately save the picture, they do manage to draw our attention away, albeit briefly, from the movie’s crappier elements.

Obviously, I can’t recommend Breeders to anyone other than fans of Z-grade films, and even then it’s touch-and-go. A large percentage of those reading this will hate the movie, and a select few may classify it as the worst they’ve ever seen. As for me, I’d put it in a different category, though I can’t say for certain which one. Is it “So bad it’s good”, like The Crater Lake Monster and Glen or Glenda? Is it a guilty pleasure like Plan 9 from Outer Space and Jason X? Hell, maybe it’s both.

At the very least, I can say, with 100% certainty, that Breeders is my favorite “alien-raping-virgins-in-New-York-City” flick. Take that for what it’s worth.

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