Thursday, April 11, 2013

#969. Deadly Weapons (1974)

Directed By: Doris Wishman

Starring: Chesty Morgan, Harry Reems, Richard Towers

Tag line: "Seeing is Believing! 73-32-36!"

Trivia: This is the first of two films director Doris Wishman made with Chesty Morgan, famous for her 73 inch bust

The opening shot of Doris Wishman’s 1974 film, Deadly Weapons, is of its star’s, Chesty Morgan’s, humongous bare breasts. But before any of you guys start thinking “Wow! What a great way to open a movie!”, I feel it’s only right I should warn you that Ms. Morgan’s “assets” droop down almost as far as her naval, and have bulging blue veins running their entire length. In fact, it’s safe to say that Chesty Morgan [a.k.a. Zsa Zsa, a.k.a. Liliana Silczkowska] is one of the few leading ladies you hope keeps her top on throughout the film.

No such luck, unfortunately.

Advertising exec Crystal (Morgan) is dating mobster Larry (Richard Towers). The two are very much in love, and have even discussed marriage, but when Larry attempts to blackmail his boss by stealing an incriminating address book, he’s bumped off by his former pal, Tony (adult film star Harry Reems) and a one-eyed assassin known as Mr. Hook (Mitchell Fredericks). Seeking revenge against those who murdered her fella, Crystal tracks down the killers and tries to finish them off the only way she can: by smothering them between her 73-inch breasts!

So, how good an actress is Chesty Morgan? Well, I’ll tell you: even with another actress dubbing her voice [the real Chesty has a thick Polish accent], she comes across as having zero personality. But then, Chesty wasn’t hired for her thespian abilities. No, her “talents” lay elsewhere. Sure enough, her breasts pop out at regular intervals, and every time they made an appearance, I was overcome with a sudden urge to look away. Yes, Chesty’s knockers are massive, but they’re not the least bit sexy. Of course, this didn’t stop her from walking around topless most of the movie, and director Wishman never missed an opportunity to focus the camera squarely on Ms. Morgan’s chest.

Yeah, I know: pretty much this entire review has been about Chesty Morgan’s breasts. Yet, in my defense, that’s all this movie has going for it. Sure, there’s a whole subplot concerning her gangster boyfriend, but it’s poorly handled and often comes across as just silly. No, there’s only one reason (or perhaps I should say “two”) Deadly Weapons was made, and, in my opinion, it’s not nearly good enough to justify the movie’s existence.

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